How I Found Authentic Self-Love (2024)

After enduring a traumatic childhood, loving myself as an adult was not easy. In fact, it felt impossible. During those early, formative years when I should have been playing, exploring, and developing self-esteem, I was merely surviving.

I lived through poverty, going without electricity and hot water, and asking strangers for money to buy a loaf of bread and a can of soup. Experiencing those years of fight or flight kept me steeped in shame and self-loathing. My trauma, and my inability to process it, kept me, even decades later, doubting myself and my place in the world.

But when I embarked on a journey to heal my trauma and learned how to retrain my brain from negative Nelly to joy-seeking optimist, I knew loving myself was indeed possible. It would take some trial and error and a lot of patience, but once I honed in on what it took to reframe my thought patterns, loving myself became easier.

Notice I said, "easier." Even after all my years of healing, I still sometimes fall back into negative self-talk. We all do.

But now, I’ve created an awareness around it. When I hear my negative chatter, I do one or more of these five exercises to help me tap back into self-love:

1. Retrain my brain.

A big key to changing my negative self-talk was to create an awareness around doing it. Whenever I hear myself saying something mean about myself, I say “cancel” three times. Then I say the opposite—something kind and loving.

I’ve also created a habit of saying three things I love about myself while making eye contact with myself in the mirror. This is great to do first thing in the morning and right before bed.

2. Feel my feelings.

I used to be the consummate emotion stuffer. I’d push down my feelings hoping they’d go away or praying that after a day or two, they’d disappear. No such luck. That’s because we’re meant to feel our feelings and release them. In fact, the word emotion derives from the Latin word emovere, which means to release or move through.

These days, I make it a point to feel all my feelings. If needed, I go somewhere private and explore what I’m feeling. I visualize the feeling having a color or a face. What does it want me to know? To experience? Is it a trigger from childhood or a bad relationship? Emotions can be a beautiful mirror in which to see old wounds that need healing.

I also like to do an abbreviated tapping exercise. I place my hand on my heart and tap while saying, “Even though I feel all this [identify your emotion—fear, anxiety, sadness, etc.], I love and accept myself.” I say this repeatedly until I feel the love.

3. Show myself some compassion.

We’re taught from a young age to show others compassion, but we’re not always taught to show ourselves compassion. I do this by writing letters to myself or meditating while envisioning a version of me that needs love. I tell that younger, hurt version of me how much I love and appreciate them. I speak to myself as I would speak to a friend or a child, saying things like, “You were so brave and strong.” Or, “I’m so incredibly proud of you, and I love you.”

4. Celebrate my wins.

I used to run through life checking things off my to-do list without any thought of patting myself on the back for a job well done. That’s when everything started to feel meaningless. Like, what was the point? There was always more to do. Life started to feel like a slog.

Now I make it a point to stop and celebrate my wins—to high-five myself not only for accomplishing everyday tasks but even more so for doing things that nurture my well-being. Practicing yoga, meditating, getting a good night’s sleep, and spending time outdoors are always worth celebrating.

5. Reconnect with myself and do what makes me outrageously happy.

Whenever I feel disconnected or distanced from a friend, I schedule a date with them. We’ll enjoy a meal or go on a walk together. I started to do the same thing with myself. When I feel gloomy and negative, I plan time to reconnect with myself and do something that makes me outrageously happy.

At first, this was challenging because I didn’t know what made me happy, let alone outrageously happy. It took time for me to learn more about myself and what brought me joy. If you don’t know what makes you outrageously happy, stop reading right now and go on a date with yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Loving ourselves is hard work, and it’s hard work because loving ourselves requires us to have a relationship with ourselves. And having a relationship with ourselves is just as much work, if not more work, than having a relationship with someone else. Relationships take time and energy.

But after having tapped into my own well of self-love, I can tell you that the time it took me to find the real me and love her was worth every second.

It will be time well spent for you, too, because we’re all worthy of unfettered joy, outrageous happiness, and unconditional love—especially our own.